Hope Idiotic | Part 19
Hope Idiotic is a serialized novel. Catch each new part every week on Monday and Thursday.
THE DAY AFTER LOU MOVED TO CHICAGO, MICHELLE POINTED TO A TIFFANY’S MAGAZINE AD. It was for a princess-cut diamond ring.
“This is the ring I want,” she told him. “This would be perfect.”
He held onto that magazine ad. And when he brought it to Goldman Jewelers, the longtime Bergman family jeweler in Skokie, Lou told the man, “If you can design this, it would be perfect.”
The jeweler, who was only a few years older than Lou, took a look at it. His name was Art Goldman. He was the fourth generation working in the business of making girls squeal with delight when they received their blood diamonds. Getting the Goldman Jewelers business card was a rite of passage. Pop gave it to him. It was yellowed and dog-eared.
“You’ll probably work with Art,” Pop said. “You’ll like him. He’ll take care of you. His grandfather and I were friends from before the war. His great-grandfather sold me your grandmother’s ring. Sold your dad your mom’s ring, too. Mazel tov.”
But there was nothing to celebrate just yet. Lou needed the money for the ring. The standard rule used to be that an engagement ring should cost a man the equivalent of one month’s salary. For Lou, that would have been barely fifty bucks. He called his father and asked if they could meet for lunch to talk about finances.
“How much do you need?” Benjamin asked.
“I was wondering how much I had still in my savings accounts.”
Benjamin shifted in his seat. “That depends. Which accounts?”
“What do you mean which accounts? My savings accounts. The one you opened for me when I was born. And then the one we opened together when I turned eighteen.”
“Well, how much do you need?”
“I only need what I have, Dad. How much is in there?”
Lou never saw his statements. As a kid he couldn’t care less, and as an adult they never crossed his mind since they were mailed to his dad’s house because he was on the accounts as well. This allowed for Benjamin to use Peter to pay Paul. Deposits would be made into various accounts whenever bonds matured or when stock dividends were paid. But money was also taken from accounts to help pay for things like college tuition, cars, home repairs. Abe and Benjamin Bergman never borrowed from the bank, only family. And in a way, they were like a bank. And sometimes a bank doesn’t have all of your money waiting for you in the vault. So when Lou asked for his money, it wasn’t as simple as just withdrawing and closing the account.
“You have about eight thousand dollars of savings,” Benjamin said. “But you don’t need that money for a ring.”
“That’s exactly what I need it for, Dad. Where else am I going to get the money?”
“Tell me how much you need, and we’ll find it.”
“No. I don’t want you loaning me the money. I have it, so let me have it.”
“I’m not going to just give you your savings account so you can blow it on a ring. If you clean out your savings, what will you do if you need it in the future?”
“First of all, I wouldn’t consider buying an engagement ring a blown purchase. Secondly, the point of savings is to use it when you need it. And I need it. Just give me the bank book, and I’ll close it out.”
“I can’t. Well, you can’t.”
“Why? Do you have to be there, too?”
“The full amount isn’t in the account right now.”
“Where is it?”
“I had to use some to help pay off your mother from the divorce.”
“Jesus, Dad!”
“Let me just write you a check. This way you’ll still have your savings for later.”
“But I don’t. You just said it’s not there. And I don’t want to just borrow and steal from one person or another. I already owe Pop and Grams a couple hundred grand for the house. That’s enough for me. Please just find the money and put it back.”
“I think this is foolish.”
“Me spending my own money is foolish? Look, the sooner I get married, the sooner I can stop asking you for my half of the rent each month. Not that I’m marrying her for her money. How long do you need to get it?”
“A week or so.”
✶
THREE WEEKS AFTER FIRST MEETING WITH ART, Lou returned to Goldman Jewelers to put a deposit on the ring and place the order. But when he turned the car off, his hands shook. His chest tightened and felt like his ribs were going to crush his lungs and heart into gut dust. He was sweating and had trouble breathing. He hadn’t felt this way in a while. Not since the Remerol and the therapy sessions began. He looked around the parking lot. No one was watching. He pulled his phone out and called Chuck. But there was no answer. So he called me.
“Hey, man! What’s going on?” I asked.
“I’m about to lose my shit.”
“Why. What’s happening?”
“I just pulled into the parking lot to order Michelle’s ring, and I’m having a panic attack. I can’t breathe. My chest feels like…”
“Okay. Relax. You haven’t bought anything yet, right?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“Alright. Here’s what you do. Turn the car back on and drive away. Don’t look back. Just pull out of the parking lot and go home. Or better yet, come back here. Leave all of your shit, don’t say goodbye to anyone, just start the car and drive away. Come back to where you can work and don’t have to get married.”
“I can’t. I have to…”
“You don’t have to do anything but drive away. This is your chance to be free. Be free, Louis!”
As quickly as the panic kicked in, it subsided. Lou took a deep breath. “Alright. Alright. I’m fine. I’ll be okay.”
“Did you leave?”
“No. Not yet. I’m just nervous, that’s all. I’m about to spend a lot of money. That’s all.”
“Exactly. That’s why you shouldn’t.”
“I’ll be fine. I gotta go.”
He adjusted himself in the rearview mirror, took a deep breath and walked into the store. Art, of course, was thrilled to see him. The deposit was a standard $125. The total cost of the ring would be $8,064. It was more than Lou had, but it would be ready in one month.
✶
ALTHOUGH BOTH LOU AND MICHELLE HATED CRUISES AND HAD JUST TAKEN A MEXICAN VACATION, they were preparing to embark on a ten-day cruise to the southern Caribbean in celebration of both Lynn and Barry Kaminski’s 60th birthdays as well as their 35th wedding anniversary. They were married on Valentine’s Day, just two days after their shared birthday. The four of them, Lou, Michelle and her parents, would be traveling aboard the Royal Duchess.
Lou and Michelle loved boats. They loved seeing the world. But cruises had the ability to make a great vacation into just a good vacation. Lou and Michelle liked to spend time in new towns and immerse themselves in the culture. When cruising, the few hours in each port did not allow for that. It was just enough time to buy a shot and a T-shirt at the local Hard Rock Café. But her parents were cruise enthusiasts, Duchess Cruises frequent sailors, and this trip was all about them. Which is exactly why Michelle didn’t give Lou a hard time about having to pay for him. Almost, anyway.
“I love my parents, but I don’t want to go on this cruise anymore than you do,” she said to him. “Money is tight for me right now, too. I’m trying to save for a down payment on a condo. But I’ll pay your way because we can’t not go.”
“Thank you, sweetheart,” he said. “It’ll be fun. Just kind of a bummer that we have to celebrate Valentine’s Day on a cruise ship with thousands of other people potentially running around with the norovirus on their shit-stained hands. But I know how much this means to your parents.”
“Exactly. And so I need you to promise me something. I need you to promise me that you won’t flip out on this trip like you did in Cabo. Ruining my birthday and our anniversary is one thing; ruining them for my parents is something else entirely.”
“I know. I won’t.”
“Go see your grandfather before we leave if you have to. Do whatever it is you need to do so that you don’t lose your shit. I’m warning you, Lou. Do not.”
This trip was the perfect time for Lou to have the marriage talk with Lynn and Barry. He wasn’t worried about them not giving him their blessing. He just knew that it would mean more to them that he chose their celebration of love as the time to officially proclaim to them his love for their daughter. It would be one big floating fucking love fest.
“What are you guys talking about?” she asked.
“Your poop,” said Lou.
The first night on the ship was Lynn and Barry’s birthdays. Instead of eating in the dining room, Michelle planned and paid for a private in-suite meal with a special chef-selected menu. Lynn and Barry’s suite was one deck below and down a tad farther aft from Lou and Michelle’s. Both had balconies, but the birthday boy and girl’s suite was laid out more conducive to hosting a birthday dinner. Lou pitched in on the planning by decorating their door with photo collages of them he’d assembled before leaving Chicago.
After the private and delicious meal, the foursome made their way to the Crooners Lounge & Bar, where Michelle entered her vocal styling into the ship’s karaoke competition called Duchess Idol. Michelle had a great voice. She’d have told anyone if they had asked her. Not surprisingly, she advanced through the first two stages those first two nights. The third round — and the semifinal — was on Valentine’s Day, Lynn and Barry’s anniversary. It was also formal night aboard the ship, and Lou was in his tuxedo. This was the night he wanted to talk to Lynn and Barry. He just needed to get them away from Michelle long enough to ask. Michelle sang her song, Mary Wells’ “My Guy,” dedicating it to Lou, then headed off to the bathroom.
“I think I accidentally ate a piece of lettuce at dinner,” she said to Lou and her parents as she passed their table on her way out.
Lettuce was a trigger for her IBS. He knew she would be there a while. Lou watched her leave and waited a few moments before beginning, just to make sure she wasn’t coming back for anything.
“Barry, Lynn. Can I talk to you a moment?” He tried to whisper loud enough for them to hear, but not so loud that it disrupted the other performers. He took a deep breath and began. “I’d like to talk to you about Michelle.” The parents looked at each other knowingly. “You know, I love your daughter very much. And though we’ve had some bumpy moments since my moving to Chicago, we have stayed together through all of it. And I think that says something about us. I know that it’s important to Michelle, and to you, that she marry a man who can provide for her and the children they have together. I’m still having a hard time finding work while this recession is going on, but I have plans on becoming a teacher, which will allow me a steady paycheck in a secure environment with plenty of benefits and perks our family can take advantage of. In the meantime, if I have to, I’ll go to work at my dad’s sheet-metal company. What I’m saying is that I’ll do whatever I need to do to make sure that your daughter is always taken care of and happy. I want Michelle, and I to be a family. And while I’ve always felt like a part of your family, I want to make it official — if you’ll have me. I’ve gone ahead and commissioned a ring to be designed especially for Michelle, and I am asking for your blessing to use that ring to propose to her and ask her to be my wife.”
It was a mouthful. A well-rehearsed sales pitch. If only he could have rattled off pitches like that at ProCore.
“I knew this was going to happen on this trip,” Lynn said as she wiped away tears. “You know how much we love you, Lou.”
“Seeing you and Michelle get married… nothing would make us happier,” said Barry who also wiped away tears. “But if you break her heart, I’ll kill you.”
“Of course. Thank you both.” Lou stood and hugged each of them.
“It means a lot that you would talk to us about this tonight. On Valentine’s Day. On our anniversary. It really does mean a lot,” Barry said.
“I’m glad her IBS has such good timing. And just so we’re clear, I did not spike her dinner with lettuce.”
Michelle arrived just then. “What are you guys talking about?” she asked.
“Your poop,” said Lou.
“Come on,” said Barry. “Drinks on me.”
