Jesus Would Kick Santa’s Ass
The following essay was originally written and performed for BUGHOUSE! in Chicago on December 3, 2018. The topic of debate was “Santa vs. Jesus: Which is the Best Holiday Spokesperson?” Hall lost to Bill Gorgo that night.
First, can we dismiss the qualities of ideology and faith required for belief in either Santa Claus or Jesus Christ for a moment?
I stopped believing Santa was real when I discovered that my mom was buying all my Christmas presents and proliferating the lie that some magical red elf guy was bringing them. I stopped believing that Jesus was anything more than the martyr that the Apostles hung their bizarre, misogynist religion upon after having been a born again Christian for a stint. For the time it takes you to read this, I ask you to suspend your belief.
This debate is about who represents the holiday we know as Christmas the best. For this purpose, I see both figures more like Marvel X-Men than real life creatures, so come with me on the comparison train!
Both Men Have Superpowers
Sure, Santa’s ability to fly his reindeer and command fealty from a bunch of magic elves and even squeezing his morbidly obese ass down chimneys in a world with fewer fireplaces than microwaves are pretty much all more badass than turning water into wine, multiplying loaves and fishes or walking on water. If that were the extent of it, it would be like comparing Beelzebub with David Blaine. But Jesus has the ultimate trifecta of superpowers in that X-Man sort of way. He can heal the sick, bring back the dead and defy death itself. Santa may be immortal and manages to avoid diabetes but if you gunned him down in the sky, he’s bleeding out just like anyone else. Jesus dies and then regenerates (like Wolverine) in three days.
While the happy glow of children receiving toys is grand, the smile on the face of a kid brought back from pancreatic cancer holds a bit more gravity, yes?
Both have a Message
Claus is an arbitrary moralist who rewards an undefined lifestyle with toys. Who decides who’s naughty or nice? Santa. No regulations in place, no guidelines. No gray areas on this deal except for what he decides. He employs a troop of elves to build toys for the world but in the past fifty years or so, those midget fuckers have been outsourcing the labor unless you think all the ten-year old kids in Bangladesh making LEGOs and Transformer toys are also Santa’s elves and then you gotta wonder what kind of sick fuck this guy really is.
If Santa has a message, it’s “Be arbitrarily nice because he who is nice gets toys and he who dies with the most toys wins.” He’s a fatass with limited clothing options. He wears a red hat. He’s using his special magic to monitor your behavior. Santa is like the Donald Trump of holiday figures. Perhaps a perfect spokesperson for the Christmas of 1954 but that racist, misogynist, xenophobic ship has sailed, gramps.
Jesus, on the other hand, was a revolutionary. He was a change agent in his day, a protester, a spreader of egalitarian ideals in a religiously corrupt corporate society. Jesus had long hair. Jesus was kind to prostitutes and his only rule was “Believe in me” and then, in lieu of giving out wrapped presents, he took away your sin. He cleansed you of all that crappy shit you do daily and offered you a defiance of death. And, like all good 2019 social justice warriors, Jesus was black.
It’s Jesus’ Goddamned Holiday Because He Came First
It’s called “Christmas.” CHRIST MASS. His freaking title is right there on every Starbuck’s cup.
Without Jesus, there is no Christmas. No Christmas and Santa is just a chubby, magical douchebag who might be a pedo due to his randomly giving children presents and having them sit on his lap in malls. Jesus is the founder of the holiday; Santa is the sanitized sequel.
Being first counts. Being first is key. Breaking ground, getting tortured by Roman soldiers and then being completely misrepresented by idiots who hate homosexuals and women should count.
James Tiberius Kirk was first. No Kirk, no Star Trek. Sure, Picard is cool but c’mon. Kirk started that shit, televised the first interracial kiss and somehow made a two-handed punch work on aliens.
No MLK, no Civil Rights Act. Fine, President Lyndon Johnson pushed it through but c’mon. No MLK and black people in this country would still be having the cops called on them for swimming in a whites only pool or loitering in college lounge.
Jesus is the Beatles; Santa is Oasis.
Jesus is Bruce Springsteen; Santa is John Cougar Mellencamp.
Jesus is The Ramones; Santa is Green Day.
Jesus is 1970s Times Square—edgy, sexy, dangerous; Santa is a Hershey’s store next to the TKTS Booth.
Jesus is the black, social justice warrior deity. Santa is the old white man who rewards us with momentary distraction and promotes obesity and tooth decay. In 2019, when #BlackLivesMatter as does #MeToo, Jesus is the only spokesperson for the holiday.
Jesus is just alright with me.
