![I Believe… [Too Much Absence]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/579fa3912994ca0eff850271/1730684696431-9LG56F84KEH4VEPSQ13U/IMG_2287+2.JPG)
A Tumor in April
April and Ben met again years later. She was leaving an office building; he was boarding a train. They swooned and dated. But something was different.
A Christmas Classic: The Day I Almost Died
The day I almost died…
The year was 2008 or something like that. We decided we wanted to be taken more seriously as performers. Our solution to this was to emulate the icon that was the ‘80s business master. We would wear suits every day and do lots of cocaine.
Five Days With Kiddos
Got a summer job working with children. I have stories for days.
The Adventures of Aborted Andy | Episode I: Meeting Your Maker
Andy disassembled his weapon with lighting speed. He packed it away in the black backpack made specifically for a weapon of this sort. He bolted to the roof access door as fast as his little, chubby legs would carry him. He made his way through the condo/office building stairwell without being noticed just as he had done on his way up. Andy was good at his job. And for a nine-month-old baby, he was really good at it.
A Small Café in Paris
He looks at the glass. He looks at the waitress. Two miserable cubes float in an inch of water. Water from the melted ice. Water with floating black specks in it. He is afraid to ask for more ice. Fear keeps him from drinking the water. And watered-down Pepsi will not do. He drinks the water, despite his fear. He does not want watered-down Pepsi. He pours the Pepsi. The ice melts.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of March 29, 2020
Humor is not a universal language. It is, by nature and design, intended for siloing. Even the greatest broad comedy has its haters. The closest thing to universally accepted comedy is Jay Leno and, c’mon, fuck Jay Leno.
Hope Idiotic | Part VII
By mid-November, Lou had been living with Michelle for two months. She provided half of the dresser for him and cleared out space in the bathroom cabinets and her closets for him in an effort to make her place his place, too. But she refused to let him hang any photos of his friends or family. And there was no way he was putting his film trophy on display anywhere.
Hope Idiotic | Part VI
The week that Lou arrived in Chicago, Franklin News, one of the largest media companies in the nation, laid off a thousand people. In the three months he’d been back, many other companies in his field had done the same. He wasn’t picky about whom he worked for, he just needed a gig. But every newspaper, magazine, radio station, marketing firm, advertising agency and public relations agency he could find wouldn’t even meet with him.
Hope Idiotic | Part II
Moonlighting as a drunkard, Chuck Keller was the assistant manager of the communications department at palm gaming, the largest hotel and casino company in Las Vegas and the world. After Chuck graduated from Nevada State, he was hired as the news editor for Valley Life, the alternative weekly rag, where I worked as the A&E editor.
Overcoming the Dreaded Writer's Block
Maybe if I couldn’t go over it, I could go around it? Surely it couldn’t be that long of a walk. All alone, I set off on the trek to find the edge of the Block with just my walking stick and my lack of thoughts (this is why I was over here after all). I kicked at a couple rocks as I trudged over the dismal landscape that was mostly gray and gloomy. Dirt and other sand-like material made up the terrain behind the Block and it perfectly reflected what every writer felt: self-doubting, unworthy, and lost.
Additions to Sam Johnson's Dictionary
fetal supremacist (n.): A person who simultaneously advocates to curb abortions and abolish food stamps. i.e. The fetal supremacist wanted to revoke citizenship for children born in border states.
Hey, Do You Watch "Robot Chicken"?
To do that kind of a joke could be considered totally appropriate to some or absolutely unforgivable, depending on the perspective.
Sorry, Mom, I Can't Make It To Christmas This Year
I apologize for losing out on this year’s Secret Santa exchange, and that I won’t be receiving a scented wax warmer for the fifth year in a row.
How To Get Rich Using Possession
I’m laying there, terrified, paralyzed, praying, shaking, listening to my ragged breathing and pounding heart. But nothing happens. Is this some kind of nightmare? Am I having… what do they call it, sleep paralysis?
The 5 Stages of Grief When You Realize God Is Dead
That’s the one thing atheists tend to forget: this is a process. You don’t just stop believing this stuff. It takes a long time. And it’s scary. You’re scared to look into the black hole, because all you see is darkness. You wonder how you’re even here at all. How are any of us here? Then you ask the question everyone gets to: “What keeps you from killing yourself?”