The GOP Goes Nuclear Family

What the GOP wants your family to look like, but with the daughter not dressed so provocatively.

by Joe Janes

The State of Florida is forcing a 16-year-old girl to give birth because she is not mature enough to have an abortion.

This is all under new laws enacted under Republican governor and semi-articulate toe schmutz Ron DeSantis. It brings into question what is the Republican party’s long game with all these controls regarding women?

Just what Is the ideal GOP nuclear family?

The republican party is known as the party of family values. Is your family right for the republican party? Let’s find out!

FATHER: The undisputed head of the household. The breadwinner. Will only leave his family for a younger bride if the current wife becomes terminally ill or old.

MOTHER: Her primary focus is raising her children and making sure her husband is happy. Of course, she can have a career (part-time job), as long as it doesn’t interfere with the primary focus. She is also allowed to have a She Shed and can join a book club.

DAUGHTER: Pretty is a must, smart is good, but not too smart. Must be able to attract a husband, but must wear a purity ring and devote herself to daddy until it is time to marry. If she does lose her virginity and does get pregnant – through rape, incest, or being a teenager – she must have her baby and learn to be a mother. Her actions have consequences.

SON: Athletic and does well in school. Likely a heartbreaker at school, just like his old man was. Doesn’t use a condom, but will chip in for an abortion, if possible. Won’t stick around for a baby because he has a life to lead. Boys will be boys, am I right?

 The family must practice the national religion of Christianity and capitalism.

Most people mistakingly think that the GOP only wants white families. We are not racist! All people of color are welcome as long as they dress, act, and talk like us. Be a credit to your race and join the GOP!

Gay? Keep it to yourself.

Trans? Not a thing.

Does this sound like your family? Join the Republican party today!

Having a baby doesn’t mean you have to drop out of school. They make great subjects for science fair projects!