Boners! Boners! Boners!: America’s Unexpected Historical Hard-ons
With each revelation that another powerful and popular, often beloved, man has been accused of sexual harassment, we collectively exclaim, “No way! Come on!” and ask ourselves “Who’s next?” Eventually the shock wears off giving way to accusations that aren’t just gross and likely criminal, but also strangely pathetic.
People get off by a bevy of different strokes and we’d be fools to hold even the strangest perversions against anyone. Your dad loves it when your mom pegs him while watching John Hughes films? That’s cool. A swingers’ club geared toward those with foot fetishes? OK. Can’t get off without a thumb up your ass or a rubber ball in your mouth? Groovy. None of these create victims. It’s all consensual. But whacking off in a potted plant after being rejected? Jerking off in front of someone after asking permission and being denied? A button under your desk that locks your office door trapping your victim? That’s not cool. That hurts in the bad way.
As the rotten onion continues to peel and expose more and more of our favorite leading men, we’re going to be more and more unhappy with what we find. But the truth must be known and we must, um, expose these vile predators and freaks for what they are. And we should not stop at current or even recent past behavior. In order to understand this systemic problem of wielding unwanted boners, we have to look at our history.
And so, without further ado, the Literate Ape presents to you recent discoveries of sexual misconduct committed by some of our most treasured figures.
Abraham Lincoln
Our 16th president could only climax after a hefty blow to the head. He demanded that Mary Todd clobber him on the skull with a leg from the table that was in dead son Willie’s bedroom. This exacerbated Mary Todd’s depression and grief, blinding her from reason and leading her to hire John Wilkes Booth to give Abe one final orgasmic blast. They didn't put that in your history books, did they?
Captain Kangaroo
The television host forced his November 7, 1975 studio audience to watch him fondle a live kangaroo’s nuts.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
According to a young White House staffer, when in his private office on the evening of Dec. 6, 1941—the eve of the Pearl Harbor attack—he asked her to remove his leg braces and for her to place them on her legs. According to the statement made by this staffer, one Karen Greenchild, the president then demanded her to play Glenn Miller’s Chattanooga Choo Choo on the office record player as she danced “like a clumsy little boy” while he masturbated. When he was done, Greenchild was then instructed take his cigarette holder and scratch his "cold, limpy" thighs with it until she broke the skin.
Steve Jobs
As a way of getting his blood flowing and his energy up before every largescale presentation, the tech mastermind would gather his executive team around and force them to watch him dry hump the latest world-changing Apple product as he choked himself with a silk necktie patterned with Steve Wozniak’s face. That’s why he wore the turtlenecks; to cover up the bruises on his neck.
Babe Ruth
The Babe would grab his teammates by their heads and shove their faces into his buttocks while he farted. Harmless enough until you read the recently discovered reports that Ruth would use his erection to “call his shot” as a way of choosing his next fart-sniffing victim.
Hugh Hefner
Playboy.
Tom Cruise
Scientology.
George Washington
Our first president not only had wooden dentures, he also had three fewer ribs than the rest of us. When visiting his friend Thomas Jefferson at Monticello, he would remove his teeth, and with Jefferson’s favorite slaves locked in their slave quarters, he would give himself fellatio while the Jefferson slaves watched on in confused horror.
Ira Glass
Even the willing women have had to bear the site of his naked body. Ew.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
The great civil rights leader is also known for the womanizing he did behind wife Loretta Scott King’s back. That’s not harassment as much as it is disappointing. But did you know that during his “I Have a Dream Speech” his penis was exposed? Yep. He yanked it out through the zipper in his trousers. There it hung flaccid yet mighty as one of our nation’s greatest orators let his ding dong flap in the breeze while giving us some of the greatest oral description of true American equality.
So, what can we learn from this? Men are horny and they disappoint. Use caution. Keep your potted plants away from anything that could potentially be a boner. And everything could be a boner.
