The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - Archangel Alliance
God. Late. Again.
Archangel Alliance
Committee on Human Affairs
Archangel Michael, chairbeing
Meeting time: afterlife, before lunch
In attendance: Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel,
Selaphiel, Raguel, Barachiel, Charmeine,
God (late), and me, Dina. I took notes. Of course.
- Our meeting started on time with the reading of the minutes from our last meeting. Many agenda items had been tabled, such as: new hire training policies, angel resources harassment policy update (Mary spoke to us, she had a few things to say about that), and the heaven acceptance policy (Many believe we should just let in anyone who asks for forgiveness on their death bed and others feel that is causing an increase in undesirables being let in. We also discussed building a larger gate).
- As we were wrapping up the minutes, God walked in unannounced. I think it might be best to quote his words directly here. He is God.
“Whaddup, motherfuckers? Don’t mind me. I’m not here. You go ahead and just do your thang. Your sweet, sweet thang. Seriously, Michael. Go on ahead. Ignore me. I’m cool.”
God then snapped his fingers and made Uriel give Him his chair and started playing a game on his smart phone. It looked like Tetris, but instead of trying to get shapes to fit, he was smiting them. He’s God. He can change Tetris if he wants. Uriel leaned against the wall.
- Charmeine gave a report on current Earth population and on the many, many deaths due to domestic and international violence.
- God interrupted Charmeine.
“Human-on-human violence was never in the plan! Those jizz clowns can suck the hummus out of my tattered anus. Give them a nice planet. Give them a brain to make cool things and all they want to do is shoot each other. Fuck ‘em. You want to kill each other? Have at it. And, no, I don’t give a shit about thoughts and prayers after some nutsack cracks open a bullet pinata in a crowded place. Less than three weeks and they haven’t done shit to prevent another one. They’re more concerned about their sexy Halloween costumes and tax reforms. It’s their own fault. You tell those humans to knock it the fuck off. (God paused. He looked like he might cry.) You want to know what else wasn’t in the plan. Farts. I needed to add them. The first batch of humans kept getting puffy and then exploding. Farts solved that. They aren’t supposed to be funny. It’s a bodily function. Everyone does it. They are nothing to be embarrassed about or proud of. Grow the fuck up. Let ‘em rip. And stop killing each other… This is why I smite. Keep going. I’m not here.”
God went back to his Tetris game.
- Charmeine said she was actually done and turned things over to Gabriel to talk about what he’s been hearing from Earth. Nothing new. Most Western prayers have been going toward people’s favorite teams in various sporting events, winning the lottery, better health, getting laid, and bestowing divine guidance onto Donald Trump.
- God interrupted,
“Anything I give a flying flapdoodle about?”
- Gabriel said many people are praying that Stranger Things 2 doesn’t suck.
- God said,
“Me, too! Fingers crossed! What about hurricanes and stuff? Don’t they pray about that shit?”
- Gabriel confirmed that they do, but only after they happen and they often pray that it never happens again.
- God put down his phone and blurted,
“Well, are those fuckburps doing anything about fucking climate change?
- Gabriel confirmed that most of the planet was not doing anything and even denying that it exists.
- “Idiots. I created a bunch of idiots. It’s science!”
Shouted God.
“Praying to me to do something about hurricanes? Well, I already did. It’s called science, motherfuckers. Believe that! I never should have left them in charge. Jesus Christ!”
- Jesus popped his head in the door munching on microwave popcorn and said,
"I agree."
Jesus is cute and nothing like his dad. I probably shouldn’t write that, but no one ever reads these things or takes the word of God seriously.
- God headed toward the door.
“Those humans drive me fucking bananas. Maybe I’ll throw some asteroids their way and show them what a stoning really is.”
He left and started shouting at Jesus.
“Where the fuck did you get that popcorn? That better not be my popcorn. I’ll send you back down there a second time. You know how that turned out.”
- Michael decided to adjourn early. We all went over to Raphael’s and ate from his secret supply of popcorn and lamb jerky.
God lets us carry swords in heaven. You never know. And we all have to leave our shoes at the gate so the clouds don't get dirty. Also, all archangels look alike. God has a type.