My life is a perfectly clean slate floating through a river of late night McDonald’s diarrhea.

More of those JFK files have been released. Still, a lot of CIA info remains redacted. They don’t want us to know their practices, which is fair. National security and all that. But, they also don’t want us to know how they killed him.

What’s worse than a cold bathroom? The Holocaust. That’s it.

When you don’t know where to go, go back to the start.

“I broke him. I broke Eddie. His eye is loose in his head. He’ll never be able to take a cute photo again. He’s a freak! He’s broken! He’s probably blind. This is why… Do you see? This is why I can’t be a father. I’m going to break my kids and I… I can’t handle that. I can’t handle this. OH GOD! Eddie! I’m so sorry! Katie! I’m so sorry! I’m SO SORRY!”

It was still a beautiful day; immediately made all the more beatific, as Sean Hannity’s universe was suddenly shat upon by life’s equivalent of an elephant anus to the face, at point blank range.

• While my son is growing on me, I’d still trade him in for a puppy. Even a puppy can play fetch. My son sucks at fetch. And even though I understand it would require my wife to have fucked a canine, I was moronically hoping that she’d give birth to a puppy. But most of all, I wish that my son and Eddie could have shared some snuggles.

To combat a rabies epidemic, Chicago of the near future decides to enforce "Dog Day," whereby owners are forced to unleash their pets for 24 hours. The events of the day are seen thru the juxtaposition of animal and owner.