The Cross the Left Must Bear
Suddenly the Glue Stick kid started screaming “CHESS CHESS CHESTER CHESS! It’s all about fucking chess but what about ME! WHAT. ABOUT. MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!” and he rapidly swallowed three pawns off of one of the closer games and choked himself until the school nurse could get him to vomit them up.
Clean Your Room
You gingerly reach over to your smartphone to see what time it is and the shock splashes across your instantly awake mind: four years? You’ve been asleep for four fucking YEARS?
A Society That Values Quantity of Life Over Quality of Living is Just Churning Out Chicken Farms of Humanity
The ethical dilemma is presented as thus for we myriad chickens.
How to Deal With a Giant Pile of Dog Shit in Your Path
The dog shit was an obstacle but one he could ignore or clean up if he chose those routes. The dog shit became an excuse for not doing something rather than an obstacle to overcome.
Videogames Fully Indoctrinate People to Be Cutthroat Capitalists
With the most recent surge of capitalism hate (and the ill-researched understanding of exactly what socialism is on both sides of the Partisan Divide), it seems that the culture needs to change significantly before the competing isms can provide a temporary dominance of the social over the capital. No more competitive video games. No more professional sports. No more television contests. No more grades in schools. The people on the covers of magazines must be chosen by lottery and anyone can enter.
The Inevitability of the House Winning (If the House is the Earth and We're Just Playing Penny Slots)
We know we aren’t going to reduce carbon emissions by 70 percent. Ever. We know it and yet we keep barking and marching and lobbying for substantive change while driving to the marches, using paper to print the pamphlets while drinking out of plastic bottles filled with water stolen by Nestlé and grabbing a Hot Pocket or packaged bowl of yogurt.
Ignoring the Three Percent
Jack sits in a small room. He used to think the room was a lot bigger. It’s not.
The Neighborhood Watch is NOT the Richest Guy on the Block
Earlier in the year, Tom and Jack kind of went to war against each other. First it was just namecalling and that sort of thing but then Jack keyed Tom's boat and all hell broke loose. Vandalization of property begat slashing of tires and eventually, Tom and Jack, their wives and kids, were routinely out in their yards, hurling shit at one another and generally disturbing everyone on the block.
Repost: Playing Dead in the Face of Responsibility
Human beings are among the most vulnerable creatures on the planet. No armor, no big claws, can't fucking run fast, not particularly strong. Even the strongest man on the planet (you know, the redneck fucker who can pull a tractor with his teeth or hang an anvil from his balls) is just a thin-skinned hot dog meal to a mountain lion.
So we compensate with misdirection.
Independence Day: The Dance of the Vicious
There are things for us to celebrate but perhaps we should put the party off for a few years while we get our shit together, clean up our own house, and strive to be the country we believed we could be rather than the nation we have become.
Running the Marathon Rather Than the Sprint
The problem with being a sprinter is the misconception that a marathon is just a series of sprints making up twenty-six-point-two miles. It doesn’t work that way. Sprinting uses up all the energy for short term gains and is unsustainable for twenty-six miles in any genuine fashion. A marathon requires planning, patience, and a sense of perseverance that eludes the sprinter.
Untwisting the Jounced About Bottle
You grab a bottle of soda and shake it up. You sit it on the counter. You know what’s going to happen when you untwist that cap.
Now imagine a truckload of bottles of soda, all shaken up at the same time, just ready to blow.
American Shithole #29 | End of Act II (The Empire Struck Back)
It is quite possible now, that McConnell and the republican Senate, Ryan and the republican House, the President, his entire administration — all of them — all of them are going to get away with everything. If so, in the immortal words of C-3PO, “We’re doomed.”
Welcome to the end of Act II, America.
Your Life, Your Music
"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn."
— Charlie Parker
The converse to this Parker quote is that if it comes out your horn, it’s because you lived it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about bias these days. Looking into my own biases and parsing out where, exactly, the playing of my horn is exposing those dark areas of things I cannot get behind no matter how many strident, angry voices tell me to.
What comes out of my horn for some time in recent history is predicated by my experience, thus the quote.
Anatomy Of A Bad Haircut
I’m not just telling you about his hair to feel superior. There, but for the grace of God and the lack of an intelligent and stylish woman in my life, go I. I’m no GQ model myself by the way. I don’t even have all my testicles. I promise I’m not punching down.
The Life of a Bird on the Sidewalk
Others came out and determined that it was breathing but was obviously in its death moment. I stepped closer to see if it would move and it hopped, slightly, to the side causing everyone to spasm.
Chasing Our Tails: The Russian Hackers Knew Us Better Than We Thought
We laugh because dogs, while often more intelligent than we think, aren't as intelligent as we want them be nor as savvy as those fucking dogs in the movies.
Many dogs never get the urge to chase their tails and, if you've ever tried to teach one that does you understand the near impossibility of it. The dog that chases its tail is blind to the distinctions.
Why do dogs chase their tails, though?
America is a Teenager
The thing about these “new” societies is that they are “young” societies. Not children, necessarily. Children are fun and challenging but most people are cool with kids. It’s when these societies become “teenagers” that you have to watch them. When a teenager has too much control of a room full of adults, then you have a problem.
America is that teenager.
Whatever Happened To That Bald Eagle Metaphor?
First of all, I didn’t choose the bald eagle as a symbol for America. Some other blowhard with a quill pen did that. Famously, Ben Franklin thought that the turkey would be a better metaphor. In a letter to his daughter Sarah, in 1784, he explained how he saw the bald eagle as a coward and a thief. He thought the turkey was braver and more honest. So now we have to unpack even more metaphors.
Spoilers Ahead: America as "The Walking Dead"
SPOILERS FOR THE WALKING DEAD AND THE UNITED STATES!! ONLY READ FURTHER IF YOU ARE CAUGHT UP ON BOTH AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!!
Anxiety is the thing that’s ripped our country apart. It has divided us, caused us to fear and hate those who think and live differently than us, and even caused us to hate those who only slightly disagree with us. It has led to panic and overreaction. And I worry that American Anxiety is only going to exacerbate the social and political divide in this country to the point that there is no coming back.