Trip Report | Day 3: Fort Collins, Colorado
Newbie tip: Chili and enchilada casserole are two good things to make and freeze for your RV adventure, but you don’t necessarily want to serve them at the same meal.
I Believe… [Both Can Be Right]
…that Soleimani was a terrorist monster who deserved to be killed and Trumpenstein is a horrible man deserving of impeachment and removal from office. Both can be true so quit bending yourself into pretzels in existential crisis.
Hope Idiotic | Part 39
Brother, do not blame yourself for Chuck’s death. He was on a course to destruction. If it hadn’t been your house, it would have been someone else’s or the highway or by a policeman’s bullet.
If anything, it’s my fault.
The Conundrum of Age: As Times Passes, Our Fellow Passengers Disembark
We tend to take it for granted that living a long life is an inherently good thing. A desirable outcome to living is to live as many years as we can get.
What They Found Out
Those who over or under think things, often with the aid of or deficit in chemicals in the brain, say I and You hang out together purely at the discretion of the great We (which is a hilariously name for the aforementioned but as yet unproven everything…because it sounds like “wee”).
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 5, 2020
A poor tradesperson always blames their tools. A good tradesperson blames their union and buys new tools.
Do You Have Any Lotion?
I woke up angry. I always wake up angry. I eat my breakfast toast angry. I get dressed angry and put on my makeup angry. I adjust my hair angry. I reapply one of my damn press-on nails that always falls off in my sleep. Somewhere in the hill of sheets is a mountain of lost press-on nails. I don’t drink coffee or tea or juice. I don’t need a morning pick-me-up because I’m wound up from the start. Anger is my morning fuel and I love how it tastes. It makes me happy.
Hope Idiotic | Part 38
“When he was done, I stood up and said, ‘Hey! What the fuck are you doing?’ Then I punched him in the face. I almost knocked his ass out and right into the pool.”
“Hang on a minute. You said, ‘When he was done.’ Do you mean that you woke up and even after you saw Cal Keller was giving you a blowjob, you kept letting him? So, you actually finished.”
R.J. stopped pacing. “Well, yeah. I mean, I was drunk. I didn’t know what was going on at first. Not until I blew my wad.”
“Oh, my God, R.J. Okay, so then what happened?”
“I made him take me to the ATM and made him give me all of his money in his account or I’d beat him to death.”
“You mugged the guy after he sucked you off? And how much money did you get?”
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The Southern White House & Spa
Trump – Nothing but bad hombres in Iran.
The Big Ideas of The Left are Being Shouted Down by Narcissism
The effort to pick the low hanging fruit is lazy and ignores the hard to get stuff at the top of the idea tree. Christ, how vapid will we allow our addiction to “likes” and online notoriety to form us?
Trip Report | Day 2: Henderson, Nebraska
“It sounds like a cliche,” Dave noted. “We’re in a campground in the middle of Nebraska, but we are literally surrounded by cornfields.”
I Believe… [The Ladder of Secular Religiosity]
I believe… that if you believe it is the System fueled by Evil Other People that is the cause for your lousy lot in life you have started on the first rung of the Ladder of Secular Religiosity. Until you realize the System is you and your myriad of interconnected choices, get ready for the zealotry ride of your life.
Hope Idiotic | Part 37
Lou and Mark shuffled their way around a line of people, and Lou pulled open the door. A large bouncer pushed it shut in their faces.
“Line forms out there,” the bouncer said.
They turned and looked. “There’s a line? For what?” Mark asked.
“To get in,” the bouncer said.
Mark looked through the window next to the door. “But there’s plenty of space in there. There are even empty seats at the bar. What gives?”
“Line forms back there,” the bouncer said again with even more authority.
I am a (Hu)Man of Items Not Action
I use a weighted blanket and melatonin chews to get a good night’s rest instead of going to bed earlier and committing to a bedtime wind down routine.
I use a bidet instead of learning the proper way to wipe my ass clean.
I use a juicer to lose weight instead of balancing my diet and exercising more.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | New Year's Resolutions Edition
Think of how amazing our lives would be if we approached each day the same way we approach each New Year.
The Most Popular Pieces of 2019 | A Literate Ape Roundup
The Top Ten most read pieces of 2019!
Hope Idiotic | Part 36
Lou picked Michelle up from work on his way back into the city. It was Friday and they were going to try a few a of the neighborhood bars. When they arrived at the condo, they headed straight to the bedroom to change out of their work clothes. Lou could have worn hole-filled sweatpants to the shop; no one would have cared—it’s not like he met with clients on a regular basis. Most days he was the only one in the office with a handful of union workers out in the shop doing whatever union workers get paid to do when not on a job site. But wearing a nice pair of slacks and a tie made him feel a little more professional. His mother taught him long ago that what a person wears directly affects one’s attitude. It helped motivate him to look for other jobs if he was wearing a tie. It also made him feel like less of a degenerate drunk when he would have two scotches for lunch.
A New Decade Resolution: Don’t End Up Like the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
As we begin this new year and new decade, most of us are going to be in the midst of taking stock of our lives thus far and the year/decade that just was. And though life can never be a perfectly packaged film, we can make plans to live the next decade with some sort of clarity and purpose. Making plans of this nature is the default human setting unless you’re a sociopath, a nihilist, or Kathleen Kennedy.
...that intense and deep aren’t the same thing even if you’ve convinced yourself they are. Intense is momentary and fleeting; deep is the result of time and energy.