The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Coronavirus Task Force Meeting
Trump only surrounds himself with the best people, er, I mean, people who make him look the best.
The Whites Only House
The Cabinet Room
Wednesday, March 11th 11:30am
Attendance: President Donald J. Trump, Vice-President Mike Pence,
Robert Redfield (CDC), Alex Azar (HHS),
Surgeon General Jerome Adams, and Dr. Deborah Birx
Trump – So, I heard on Fox News today that the reported number of cases of the China Flu is over a thousand in the US.
Redfield – On the official CDC website it’s 647, Sir.
Trump – I like that number better. Why is Fox News trying to make me look bad? Shame on them.
Redfield – We update our number at noon. It will probably get worse.
Trump – Do the numbers also go down when someone dies or gets better?
Redfield – Well, the number of reported cases will always be the number of reported cases.
Trump – My gut tells me that’s bad science. We need to adjust the numbers when people don’t have it anymore. Our number could be much, much lower than a thousand. It could be 10. We don’t know.
Redfield – You’re right, Sir. Of course.
Pence – Before we get bogged down in numbers, I think we should say a prayer.
Trump Go ahead, Mikey. Pray hard for Wall Street.
Pence – Let’s bow our heads. Dear heavenly father. Thank you for sending us your guidance through the actions of our beloved leader, President Donald Trump. His stellar leadership has kept your flock safe. While other less blessed countries are being devastated by your wrath, you have sent us a man who brings us comfort with his strong leadership, intelligence, and wisdom. We are humbled to be in his presence. May the stock markets rise to meet him on his high level of existence. Please continue to touch him in your special ways, just avoid the face. May God be the sanitizer of our hands and heart. Amen.
(Everyone says amen.)
Pence – I think we should also formally open this meeting by going around the room and stating how much we appreciate President Donald Trump and the fantastic job he is doing controlling the Wuhan blight. I’ll start. Mr. President, thank you. Thank you for entrusting me with being in charge of this group of experts. It is through your inspiration that I am able to move forward with making sure the good people of this country are healthy. Just the good people. By that, I mean good Christians. By that, I mean white people who are also Christian and straight. Robert?
Redfield – Mr. President. Your hair is like a torch of truth in the night that we all look toward to show us the way to a stronger nation. Like the way it used to be and is now and could be again. With you as our quarterback, we’ll beat the Asians and the liberals and their dreadful flu. Alex?
Azar – Mr. President, without you at the helm, we would be knee deep in dead bodies clubbing one another with the limbs of our loved ones fighting over scraps of food and time on the golf course. It would be total chaos. Your exquisite demeanor has kept this country calm and on track to defeat the yellow sickness. On behalf of all the US citizens, well, the ones who voted for you, I want to say I appreciate that you live and breathe in the same space I am allowed to be in. I am not worthy. Jerome?
Adams – President Trump, I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your indefatigable determination to curb this health crisis from the Orient. To fly to Florida and golf during this critical time shows us and the world a leader who has things under control and isn’t going to let a little thing like a flu keep him from being an American. I am committed to doing whatever I need to do to serve you and this administration. While you eat chicken McNuggets, I will gladly plant my face in your tossed salad. I also want you and everyone here to know, that I just took my temperature and I have a fever.
(There whole room gasps!)
Adams – Trump fever! I have come in contact with greatness and I don’t ever want to wash my hands, again! Dr. Birx?
Birx – Yep. Just want to say that people should wash their hands, not touch their faces, should stay home as much as possible, get sick pay so they can stay at home until they are completely healthy, basically everything all the other countries have done who are now seeing a drop in the number of daily cases of COVID-19.
Trump – Who are you again?
Dr. Brix
Dr. Birx explains to Mike Pence how to avoid cooties from girls.