The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - Trump's Perfect Call to the CDC

The face of a man on a streak of perfect calls.

by Joe Janes

The White-Makes-Right House

The Oval Office

Wednesday, March 4, 2020               11:30am

Attendance: Donald J. Trump, Mick Mulvaney, Kellyanne Conway

Donald – Okay. I’m expecting a call from the CDC. The Center for Disease Center. I want you here to be witnesses so when I tell people it’s a perfect phone call, you can back me up. Okay?

Kellyanne – We could have someone transcribe the call.

Donald – Jesus the fuck, no, Kellyanne. This is too important. It’s just the three of us and the CDC. That’s it. People will just have to believe us. It’s not a foreign country so I don’t have to have a bunch of people listening in or writing things down. I don’t even want this on speaker phone.

Mick – I don’t think that’s just for foreign countries, but you’re the president. You can do what you want. Shouldn’t at least Mike Pence be here, since you put him in charge of the coronavirus?

Donald – Mike’s too busy praying the virus only attacks gay people. 

Kellyanne – I don’t think flu viruses work that way.

Donald – He said it worked once before. (The phone rings.) Here’s the call. (He picks up.) This is President Donald J. Trump speaking. That makes today your lucky day…Because you’re talking to me…The president…of the world…Not everyone gets to do that. Is this the CDC?...Good. Who am I speaking to?...Robert. And what do you do at the Disease Place, Robert?...Oh, you’re the director. Not the “acting” director…Okay. Missed one, I guess. How about that?...Listen, Robert, I just wanted to tell you that I am doing a terrific job controlling this Coronavirus. I know I am. Most people, especially the press, won’t say that. We’re keeping the economy from tanking…Cutting taxes…Tightening our borders…If they’re sick, they don’t get in…that’s my rule…We’ve really got everything under control thanks to Trump…Thank you for removing the numbers of Corona tests we’ve done. It doesn’t look like very many, even though it’s really a lot from the standpoint of numbers, and democrats will just use it to try to make Trump look bad. We’re going to give you whatever you need, Robert, to make me look good. Do you understand?...Good. Now, what do you need?...I see…I don’t know what that is…I’m never going to wear one of those…Mike Pence said they’ve already been testing people coming into the country…He was wrong? Oh. He should have said screening. I don’t think there’s much of a difference. In Hollywood, actors have to do screen tests. I never did because I’m already a big star. Maybe we can give people flying into the country at airports a screen test?... (He snaps his fingers toward Kellyanne.) Write that down…No, not you, Robert…I was speaking to one of my staff. Listen, Robert, I don’t care how much money it takes. We’re more than willing to take funds from Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security to take care of the rich people in this country. Point is, you need anything, you just ask…Okay?...Oh, one other thing. We have a favor to ask, though. I understand this virus can be really tough on people aged 70 and up? Except me, because I am in such excellent health…Is there a way to give this virus to someone who, perhaps, may be running for president?...Is there a way to only target democrats with this virus?...Well, it’s only a crime if you get caught. Just kidding. It’s only a crime if they find you guilty. We’ll be fine. You’ll be fine. If you beg my pardon…Know what I mean?...If I beg your pardon…I won’t have to beg…I think we’re on the same page here, Robert. It was nice talking to you. Let me know when what we talked about is taken care of…Or just surprise me and let me find out on Fox News. Okay, Robert. It was nice talking to you. I’m going to hang up first, because I am the president. Before I do, I just have a few questions…Don’t you think this was a perfect phone call? Most perfect ever?...I thought so…Did you feel pressured in any way to do anything that you didn’t already want to do in order to get funding?...Good-bye, Robert. (He hangs up the phone.) See, Kellyanne and Mick? Another perfect phone call.

Mick – Did you just order the director of the CDC to kill Joe Biden in exchange for funding?

Donald – No. I suggested to him nicely that it would be appreciated if Sleepy Joe got the flu. The bad flu. Whether or not Joe dies is up to Joe. 

Kellyanne – Sounds like a great plan, Mr. President. We should probably all wash our hands after that.

(They all laugh and spend the next few minutes touching their own faces in silence.)

Trump recommends holding your hands up to allow the flu germs to fall off because gravity science.