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I Believe... [Advertisers Should Die Uncomfortably]
..that after spending a week plus in Kansas, I can say that the worst thing about this country and the lives of a vast swath of its citizens is having to endure television advertising. Fucking Geico commercials can destroy even Godfather Part II. It’s like having an annoying 14-year old keep interrupting your show every fifteen minutes to poke you in the chest repeatedly, make armpit farts, and twerk to mouth-made beats. For three fucking hours.
Literate Ape Year End Review 2018
So, in tribute to what many will look back upon as a year spent eating their emotions in the form of Hot Pockets and brie and drinking from the swill bucket to make the pain go away, here are the top ten reads of Literate Ape from 2018:
2018: In Like a Savage Lion, Out Like a Rabid Lamb
Christmas Day 2018, Hammond, Illinois — My wife is a sleep. My son is asleep. My in-laws, I assume, are asleep. Santa, I hope with all my heart, is ripped on the good scotch and burning off the last of his Christmas Spirit on a horned and lubed up Mrs. Claus. And me, I’m awake with thoughts of family and the geriatric year 2018. It was a year many people have complained about. And for many, it wasn’t easy. Immigrants, would-be immigrants; refugees, would-be refugees… They had a rough go. Families of Parkland, Florida. The storms, the fires… There were some large scale FUBAR situations for sure. And these are situations we all need to reconcile with someday soon — a must before we meet our maker. But on the smaller scale of individuality, things were different. In hindsight — which is all we have left at this point, really — 2018 wasn’t so bad.
The Word of 2018 was “WTF?”
CNN announced that the word of 2018 was “Justice.” I’ve read on Medium that the word of 2018 was “Trauma,” “Resist,” and “Moments.” Also, “Truth,” “Rage,” Fuck,” and “Listen.”
All wrong.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 23, 2018
The big gifts from my wife this Christmas was a Simple Human trashcan for the kitchen, and the Verilux HappyLight Lucent. See, boys and girls, it’s easy to buy presents for a neat freak with a chronic case of the mulligrubs.
I’m still in the infant stage of its use but so far, this HappyLight thing seems to be doing the trick. I do feel better. Plus, I think it’s making my penis bigger.
Las Vegas Stinks... of Possibility
One of the most asked questions I’ve been fielding lately in this new pursuit for a home in the Mojave is “Why Vegas?” proffered in the same way one would ask you why I was wearing that gold sequined tube top to church or why I got that Joey Laurence neck tattoo.
American Shithole #40 | Christmas Tidings 2018
Oddly, I love Christmastime, which may be weird for an atheist, but not uncommon. I have plenty of atheist and agnostic friends that love Christmas too. I have fond memories of the season, which I am sure accounts for more than half my favor for the yearly celebration — I mean, what’s not to like about holiday music, gift-giving, mashed potatoes (with lots of gravy), friends, family, and the general merriment of yuletide cheer?
Best of Literate Ape 2018 | Don Hall Dies & Other High Points
2018 was a good year for The Ape. As Hall and I bait the internet for search results, we’re offering up our year-in-review, Best of The Ape. He has his opinions and I have mine. And if they differ, well, that’s what sometimes makes us a great team.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | The Inn Keeper vs. The Christ Family
Joseph: We paid our bill.
Inn Keeper: You paid for two people and a mule.
Mary: Are you trying to charge us for our baby Jesus?
Joseph: She gave birth in straw. Straw!
Inn Keeper: Exactly! Blood everywhere. Have you ever tried to clean straw?
The Best of The Ape 2018 | Virgins Are Monsters
Literate Ape is a small digital rag and, while we’d love nothing more to be a huge digital rag, we’re proud of the writing in every case. In this article, I’d like to showcase a few pieces of phenomenal merit that, in the din of constant internet writing going on these days, you might have missed but are well worth your time reading.
Unforging Marley's Chain: Rewriting the Script
For me, it's those fucking chains of Marley that give me pause. Link by link, and yard by yard. The chain we forge in life.
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I Believe… [Christmas Layoffs Are the Spawn of Hell]
…that any company that fires someone just before Christmas should be burned to the ground. That includes lauded comedy institutions, banks, orphanages, and indie record stores.
Love or Money, Christians? Which is it?
If you are averse to religious discussions, I warn you now, “Bible Verses Lie Ahead.” Not for the reason you usually see them thrown around, though. I’m not going to judge you here. In fact, being a fan of the Bible for what I see it to be, I strongly value the statement, “Judge not, lest ye be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.” Jesus (if that is Your real name...) said that in the King James Version of the Bible, Book of Matthew, Chapter 7, verse 2. There are countless translations, of course, take your pick.
Second Chance
On my 33rd birthday, after hiding among the people and jobs, I realized that I wasn’t a mutant or a super hero. I wasn’t a part of a team. There was no one else on the entire planet with powers and life wasn’t a comic book. So I embraced my secret identity - Don Hall, average big-mouth white guy - and did my best to pretend I was normal. Just like everybody else.
'Tis the Season
I committed my first murder on Christmas Day 1958. I was eight.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 16, 2018
Actual advice I shouldn’t have given to a woman who is 34 weeks pregnant: “Just remember to take care of yourself, too. You’re still your own person. Your baby doesn’t need you to give him everything. He’ll be fine without you. Treat yourself.”
Making an Impression at Club Med
Benny was a degenerate troublemaker, so we got along very well. When adults marry, they say they found the one. To a teenage boy, the one is the friend who teaches you how to spank the monkey.
American Shithole #39 | 2018 Year in the Rear (Preview)
Unfortunately, not everyone made it. I know one little girl separated from her parents by Border Patrol that isn’t going to find any of the 2018 Year in the Rear review humorous. Which one, you ask? Well, the dead one, of course — the dead girl.
Happy holidays!
Noble X - Episode 16: Hazards
He stands to admire the puzzle of misdirection he has laid. The blinking red light is subtle, set against the red canvas duffle. His eyes stare into the pulse and he ponders, “Is the blinking red a warning?”
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Visit Florida, Man!
Florida: The World’s Largest Drive-Thru Zoo. Next!
How do you want to be defined? By one action? By some opinion that could evolve? By a mistake, regrettable only with hindsight? Or by the sum of your parts? Okay, do that for other people. Start the trend.