Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of December 3, 2017
• Mensch on a Bench is stupid. It’s lazy man’s cultural appropriation. Hey, Jewish people, stop it. Let the Christians have their Elf on a Shelf. Jews don’t need a stuffed toy to keep the kids in line. The Christians have Santa and his helpers—the elf on that shelf—keeping an eye on the kids. Jews have the wrath of the Old Testament God. So instead, put God on a Rod and leave it alone.
Boners! Boners! Boners!: America’s Unexpected Historical Hard-ons
With each revelation that another powerful and popular, often beloved, man has been accused of sexual harassment, we collectively exclaim, “No way! Come on!” and ask ourselves “Who’s next?” Eventually the shock wears off giving way to accusations that aren’t just gross and likely criminal, but also strangely pathetic.
And so, allow me to present to you, recent discoveries of sexual misconduct committed by some of our most treasured figures.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of November 26, 2017
• If your family doesn’t share its health history with you, you should ask. Many terrible health hardships can be avoided when you know what you may be in for. If your family refuses to be forthcoming it’s because they hate you and want you to die.
A Death in the Dining Room
A man wearing a Santa Claus suit lay in the road. His body was mangled. The blood pool was still growing under and around him. His arm was tucked underneath his back and his face looked like it had been smashed in with a waffle iron. Or a Toyota Corolla.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — An Uncle's Thanksgiving Edition
• With a holiday where near everyone is so obsessed with overeating for completely irrational reasons, it's refreshing to sit next to my nephew as he tries to weasel out of eating five more Skittles-size bites of turkey. I'm with you, kid. Enough is enough. Put the fork down, Fat America.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of November 12, 2017
• Few things bring me greater relief than deleting The Walking Dead from my DVR.
• Update resume.
• Do the best you can not to panic and shit the bed any more than you already have this month. You’re beginning to stink and are flinging your own shit everywhere.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of November 5, 2017
• I would kill to be a sociopath.
Notes from the Post-it Wall – Week of October 29, 2017
• I have always appreciated Madonna for continuing to reinvent herself with each album or decade or whatever. With her new skin care line, she’s reinvented herself as a chubby Drew Barrymore.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Halloween Edition
• There’s nothing scarier than having your mom show up to your Halloween party dressed as a slutty caterpillar.
Hagatha the Dog Witch
Hagatha, upon arriving in Chicago, had developed an allergy to cats. She tried Zyrtec, Claritin and Allegra, and all the potions and spells in her Witch Craft: Curses & Remedies book. Nothing helped. Her eyes watered, which made her face melt a little. Her nose ran constantly, and witch snot is essentially acid so she kept burning through her handkerchiefs and shirt sleeves. The only solution was to put her beloved cat, Gomez, whom she had had since she conjured him to life two centuries ago, up for adoption.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of October 15, 2017
• My days go by so fast so often. That's a good thing because most of my days suck.
The Men of Me Too
I’m talking to the guys here.
At first glance, men speaking out on social media in solidarity to the most recent movement to appropriately criminalize, demonize and recognize the all-too-common occurrence of women being sexually harassed and assaulted seems like a great thing. However, I’m concerned that the best kind of solidarity men can offer right now is by shutting up so you don't crowd those women speaking up.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of October 8, 2017
• The dirtiest roommates I’ve had have all been women. #TheFutureisFilthy #NastyWoman
• I’m a Cubs fan but I don’t really want the Cubs to win the World Series again. The last time they won Donald Trump was elected president. If you think those two incredibly inconceivable things aren’t related, you’re not paying attention.
The Thrill of Cannons and My American Male Lizard Brain
I’m a child of the ‘80s. I grew up during the Cold War in the warm embrace of America’s beautifully violent and heroic narrative. Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Willis, He-Man… I used to think that Batman was a pussy because he wore kevlar. Rambo essentially rewrote history by winning the Vietnam War shirtless. And he blew up a helicopter gun ship with a bow and arrow. But I always knew this was bullshit. Hollywood. I may have fantasized about saving my school or my family or an office building from terrorists with weapons but I always knew that actually doing so was pure imagination.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of October 1, 2017
• Too many people think Red Dawn and Die Hard are documentaries.
Bad Day
I wrote this under distress.
The day began to my wife waking me up in my hotel room before sunrise. I thought someone had died. They had.
A (Non-denominational) Recovering Jew Among Them
At church I felt OK. In sat next to Tommy who explained Catholic things to me. Ironically, I felt more comfortable in that Catholic church than I did in any Jewish temple I’d been in in the last 10 years. Maybe it’s because I feel betrayed by the Jewish people. Maybe it’s because I think Zionism is as evil as anti-Semitism. Maybe it’s because the rabbi at the temple where I grew up seems to have next to no concern for his dwindling congregation and the economic slide of his community so long as he keeps collecting his handsome salary—with benefits. I dunno, but I felt OK.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of September 24, 2017
As a young pervert and budding writer, I absolutely read the articles in Playboy. Really, the writing in that magazine was always as high quality as the air brushing of boobies.
Checklist for the World’s End
When it's time to go, here's what you'll need to take with you.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of September 17, 2017
• I’m a honky with a dingdong, therefore, everything I say means nothing and I’m the bad guy. And so is he.
Solitude is a sure way to avoid pain. I’ve waded in those waters before. Specifically with romance. But life is and must be a balance. Be flexible. Go with resistance. Be satisfied with life even it has you feeling the way you don’t want to feel. Protect yourself, push yourself. Balance. Survive. Find little ways to thrive in big ways.