I Believe... [Practicing Gratitude]
...that the first five minutes of every day should be spent reflecting on the things you are grateful for in your life. It reframes every day and reminds you that despite the hardships there is a balance.
I Believe... [Suppress Those Emotions, Men]
I believe... that, in light of a certain demographic of men unleashing their rage and butt-hurt, perhaps the advice for men to unpack their feelings rather than suppress them was not particularly well thought out. By all means, dudes, suppress those emotions and shut the fuck up.
I Believe... [Wear That Dress, Girl!]
...that few things scream effective activism than attending an event costing $30,000 a ticket wearing a dress that cost $45,000 with an anti-capitalist message stitched into it. Like going to a Raiders game with a hat that says “Concussions and Wife Beating are Bad” or a fundraiser for the Catholic Church in an alter boy costume.
I Believe... [Solid Marital Numbers]
...that when seven years of marriage feels like seven weeks of of unrelenting awesomeness, the third time was definitely charmed.
I Believe... [Missing the Cold War]
...that I long for the days of the Cold War when our enemies were Soviets instead of each other and we thought hiding under our desks could save us from nuclear war.
I Believe... [Comfort is Overrated]
I believe... that the worst perpetual state for any human creative is comfortable. Seeking out discomfort is the source of every great risk and every great reward.
I Believe... [OnlyUptightFans]
...that OnlyFans banning pornographic material is like Texas banning beef or Grindr banning gay men.
I Believe... [Go to the Beach!]
...that the ocean is an abstract concept for millions of Americans. Wanna get people to take cleaning it up seriously? Get ‘em to the beach for a day and experience it once.
I Believe... [Poisoning the Public Well]
I Believe... that the lack of civil discourse and thoughtful debate is a result of a poisoning of the public well that sickens everyone who drinks from it.
I Believe... [Lemmings Die Together]
...that, perhaps it’s shitty of me, I mentally place every single COVID death due to refusal to get a free vaccine in the Darwin Awards drawer. Sort of like thousands of idiots taking selfies on cliffs only to fall to their death. Lemmings be lemmings, bro.
I Believe... [Vaccination Passports]
...that vaccination passports to gain entry into any public place or gathering outside the home should be required nationwide. No vaccine for you, no fun for you, fuck-o.
I Believe… [Universal Sociopaths]
...that when the vast majority of Americans are on the spectrum of sociopathy, calling someone a sociopath is sort of like saying “He’s just like most of us.”
I Believe... [2022 ElectionMania!]
...that, with the full-on mouth-breathing, drooling crop of idiots on fire about the last presidential election, the 2022 midterm elections will resemble nothing if not a WWE Tournament of Retards. At least it’ll be entertaining…
I Believe… [Language Policing]
...that in our further policing of language, we should definitely move away from the term “asshole” and use the less oppressive term “outward facing anal pore”.
I Believe… [Reward for Responsible Behavior]
...that creating lotteries and prizes for people getting vaccinated is no different than giving your kid a dollar for eating his broccoli. It wastes the dollar and sets up expectation for extortion for basic common decency. Next Up: state-sponsored Visa Gift Cards if you wear a self belt or refrain from beating up an old Asian woman.
I Believe... [Being Seen]
...that the cost of being seen is that you might actually be seen.
I Believe... [Going Nuclear]
I believe… that, if we truly want to turn back climate disaster, an embrace of nuclear power is absolutely necessary. It’s clean, abundant, and contributes a zero sum carbon footprint.
I Believe... [Same Culture Wars, Different Decade]
...that the culture wars ongoing are no different than the culture wars fought in the 90s except with social media the exponential growth of extremist crackpots makes it seem so much more pressing. We didn’t know how many idiots were out there in the 90s because we weren’t subject to their crazy yet.
I Believe... [Time>Money]
...that volunteering your time and energy is more helpful than your money or your social media approval.
I Believe... [The Venn Diagram is Just a Circle]
I believe... that, ironically, the Venn diagram between calling for the destruction of the world's only Jewish state and calling other citizens "Nazis" is simply a solid circle.
...that, if taken through the lens of truck stops and gas stations throughout the Midwest, Reese’s has taken over the world.