Trump’s Wife Packing Luggage
I dreamt I was Donald Trump’s wife. We were traveling.
He basically kept me in the dark about our itinerary.
I didn’t know where we were going or when we were going.
I had an enormous amount of luggage.
Many little pieces that needed to be fitted into larger pieces.
And of course every place we went, I had to unpack the little pieces,
lots of jewelry and cosmetics, little jars and bottles and boxes.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of December 10, 2017
• Eating Panda Express is a lot like suicide: It seems like the right thing to do in the moment but the results are always devastating.
Elf in the Crossfire: Santa Ain't a Paramedic
As I'm parked, people are slowing for the light and staring me down in the outfit, which is essentially a bright red slutty elf costume. For tis' the season for idiots to spend money on a fancy bike cab ride since sleighs are pretty hard to come by around here.
Up for the Count: Indie Wrestlers Are the REAL Deal
Ever since the days of Gorgeous George and The Fabulous Moolah, professional wrestling’s popularity has ebbed and flowed. From the Capitol era of the early 1960s to the wildly popular Attitude era of the late '90s there have been high-flying highs and pin fall lows.
There has never been a better time for independent wrestling promotions. These are the rough and tumble little bullies who perform at park districts and banquet halls and upstairs above bars on the west side of the city.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - GOP Reputation Repair Emergency Meeting
We acknowledge the problem and embrace it. Promise to do better. Plus side, easier to gather voter signatures as we go door-to-door to let people know we are registered sex offenders.
The Metric of Judging an Apology
My grandfather once told me that anyone who demands an apology will never accept one. He added that those who deserve and are open to an apology rarely ask for one.
Gym Class is Water Boarding for Nerds
I would wake up in sweats but that's only if I actually fell asleep. My stomach would be in knots. I couldn't concentrate. I dreaded everything. The moment we had to get in line. The moment the teacher would lead us down the hall. The moment we walked through the door and into... The Gymnasium.
![I Believe... [I've Pretty Much Had It With Social Media]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/579fa3912994ca0eff850271/1512663898626-2FZTUN7OMP9559S9N6WU/IMG_0351.JPG)
I Believe... [I've Pretty Much Had It With Social Media]
...that the unfortunate consequence of social media is that it has made me dislike human beings so much. I'm realizing how toxic it is to know how everyone feels about everything and I'm thinking my wife has it right by not engaging almost at all with these platforms.
Five Life Hacks from Rocky Balboa
I'm a child of the Star Wars generation. Lucas' sci-fi blockbuster came out when I was 12 and I saw it—I think—about 20 times that summer (pre-VHS mainstream, so I had to go to the movie theater every time). But as I've grown older, it was Rocky, the Best Picture of 1976, that resonates with me still today. I own all six of the saga on DVD and, even though I'm willing to admit that not all of them are real winners and offer in some ways the egotism and airbrushed cheesiness of 1980s Stallone, I still love the creation of Rocky Balboa and his particular outlook on life.
If Advertisers Sold Products the Way Americans Sell Ideas
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of December 3, 2017
• Mensch on a Bench is stupid. It’s lazy man’s cultural appropriation. Hey, Jewish people, stop it. Let the Christians have their Elf on a Shelf. Jews don’t need a stuffed toy to keep the kids in line. The Christians have Santa and his helpers—the elf on that shelf—keeping an eye on the kids. Jews have the wrath of the Old Testament God. So instead, put God on a Rod and leave it alone.
It's... People!
Every problem in the world is caused exclusively by terrible people. Work only gives you a half hour for lunch? Poor service at a restaurant? Long line at the DMV? The problem isn't structural to employment, food service or the government. Somebody, somewhere is saying, "Let's not spend money on that."
They Had It Comin' All Along: From Dragging Weinstein Naked from a Truck to Building a Movement
This is a reckoning. No question. A long overdue culling of powerful dick wavers and rapists. As it gains steam, the knee-jerk reaction to believe anyone leveling an accusation and desire to include any behavior counter to polite as harassment will need to subside and a bit of rationality will need to takes its place. Not right now—still too many fuck-os out there cowering in their boots, clammy hands gripping their vestigial limpidness, in need of purging—but soon.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Santa's Workshop All Company Meeting
Santa explained that the Naughty List was at its highest since 2008. Great for the coal industry. Bad for toy making.
Last Best Friend: Living With the Loss
Well, dammit, I’ve done it. I’ve done another adult thing. I think I’ve had my last best friend. Last BFF. Last ride-or-die. The last Vin Diesel to my Paul Walker.
Boners! Boners! Boners!: America’s Unexpected Historical Hard-ons
With each revelation that another powerful and popular, often beloved, man has been accused of sexual harassment, we collectively exclaim, “No way! Come on!” and ask ourselves “Who’s next?” Eventually the shock wears off giving way to accusations that aren’t just gross and likely criminal, but also strangely pathetic.
And so, allow me to present to you, recent discoveries of sexual misconduct committed by some of our most treasured figures.
![I Believe... [Russiagate is a Smokescreen]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/579fa3912994ca0eff850271/1512057120694-G2OF9YSV9XAT6ZO8PH8J/IMG_0284.JPG)
I Believe... [Russiagate is a Smokescreen]
...that the need for self-expression combined with the faulty promise of access to the megaphone of social media has created a reward for disingenuous posturing and boasting of virtues best left felt rather than heard. Watching Matt Lauer do a PSA against sexual harassment is just a national example of doughy guys on Faceborg signaling their sad complicity and sorrow for having cocks.
Punishment vs. Rehabilitation: Reprogramming Our Functions
I think most people agree that there is good in this world. But not all.
However, I am certain that we all can agree that bad shit exists in this world. And furthermore, I think that we all can agree, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that bad shit also happens to exist in our worlds.
Look at All of These Freakin' BOOKS!
Here at The Ape, in addition to slapping our over-sized monkey paws on keyboards to bring you daily food for thought, fiction, poetry and general reading material for your work bathroom breaks (do they notice that you always bring your phone into the toilet?) our contributors also write books. Like whole books to read or to purchase as gifts around the holidays for the unsuspecting family member.
Epic Political Suicide Poem
Suicide plans on post-it notes
scattered on surfaces,
pieces of furniture, countertops
throughout the apartment.
Stashes of pills stockpiled,
knives sharpened, razor blades
bought in bulk, handles of
bargain brand vodka.
A cozy robe.
Should you force yourself
to wash the sheets? Change
your underwear? Does it matter?
Should you care? Could anyone
care less than you? Suicide
as backup plan when
you can’t think of anything
better to do.
How do you want to be defined? By one action? By some opinion that could evolve? By a mistake, regrettable only with hindsight? Or by the sum of your parts? Okay, do that for other people. Start the trend.