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A Letter from Santa’s Lawyers to Donald Trump
Mr. Giuliani gets lumps of coal from the North Pole every year which he uses as hair dye.
![I Believe… [Post Election Special]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/579fa3912994ca0eff850271/1604526655930-VSEAX64PHK4ERKEB4JZL/IMG_2541.jpeg)
I Believe… [Post Election Special]
I believe… that more people voted in this election than any since 1900. The most obvious and indisputable will of the population has been tallied. We are almost evenly split.
Donald Trump Declares Himself the 45th and 46th President of the United States
The Patriot Protection Act declares a one-mile radius around the White House to be “lava”.
Election 2020: A Referendum on the Country’s Soul (Hulk Hogan Said So)
Certainly, his speech was laden with a sense of stake and dread. Unusually, a former president openly criticized and dismissed the current office-holder but that wasn’t the religion he espoused. He asked for, he demanded, fealty to the concept of Democracy.
![I Believe… [Vapid Pursuits Leave Us With No Heroes]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/579fa3912994ca0eff850271/1596974312370-43YRDPF2M7SJNNUW6CEQ/IMG_2569.jpeg)
I Believe… [Vapid Pursuits Leave Us With No Heroes]
…that in a period when our heroes are labeled heroic because they are wealthy, famous, or both it’s no wonder we live in a perpetual state of despair.
The Primary Reason I Didn’t Vote in the Illinois Primary
The primary reason I didn’t vote in the Illinois Primary yesterday—Rachel Maddow’s third best orgasm of 2020—is simple: It wasn’t important.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of March 1, 2020
POTUS matters. But nothing matters more than the Senate. No president—not Sanders, Biden, or Trump—can do all the good or ill they want if the Senate does its job right. If Trump wins, which he probably will, he’ll be rendered almost powerless if we can get the barnacles sucking at his disfigured taint out of office. Policy is law, law comes from legislators. Put the majority of your focus on the Capitol, not the White House.
The Case Against Counting on Revolution
Feeling the Bern won’t be enough, kids.
![I Believe [Gaslighting Johnny Depp]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/579fa3912994ca0eff850271/1581776810938-F4IJ4GXCNOUTTCIHMZHP/IMG_2541.jpeg)
I Believe [Gaslighting Johnny Depp]
…that while not a definitive rebuke to #MeToo, if you believed Amber Heard’s accusations against Johnny Depp, you got played by an asshole using a movement for her own personal gain.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of February 2, 2020
The Republican Party has unquestionably revealed itself to be criminals and cowards while the Democratic Party has unquestionably revealed itself to be grossly incompetent cowards.
The Case Against Joe Biden
With the House formally going forward with impeachment, the premise of Joe Biden’s whole campaign is obsolete. He and his campaign claimed he was the most electable and the best candidate to beat Donald Trump – patently not true anymore.
![I Believe... [The Poster Child of the Early 21st Century]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/579fa3912994ca0eff850271/1566490200766-TLT2LRWAQUII3UB3VSNX/fullsizeoutput_462.jpeg)
I Believe... [The Poster Child of the Early 21st Century]
…that the poster child of the early 21st Century is a twenty-year-old wearing ass-less chaps, misspelled tattoos, and a multi-colored bandanna taking Instagram selfies with a sign that says “Don’t Judge Me.”
What to Do When There is a Bigoted Rapist Running the Show
The poorly handled House condemnation of Trump’s words as racist did exactly one thing: it made it just a bit more difficult to vote him out of office.
When Mice Roar and the Rest Assume They’re Lions
My senior advisor, Tom Restivo, pulled me aside one day and said “You know, most people in the school don’t support your causes. You know that right? It seems like you think that you’re constantly on the side of right but, even if you are, without the backing of a larger group of students, you’re never going to get algebra credit for the Math Team.”
Dreaming of the Mueller Report
The following is a recounting of a dream had by Laura DuBois, age 36. It was documented at the American Dream Institute for Dreams (ADID) in Washington D.C. on Monday, March 25, 2019. Here, Ms. DuBois explains her dream to ADID researchers.
Just three days after the release of the Mueller Report, with impeachment proceedings occurring at an insanely rapid pace, Trump had a massive heart attack on Air Force One while flying to Mar-a-Lago. The next day, while in the ICU at some janky Florida hospital where abandoned pet boa constrictors were the orderlies, he had another massive heart attack and died. That means no more Tweets from Donald Trump!
American Shithole #50 | Kirstjen Nielsen: Deadeyes Over Dead Kids
“They’ve come all this way, thousands of miles across hostile territory, and we’ve raped them, and murdered them,” I thought.
“And this fucking cunt came to congress to rustle some fucking papers, and fumble some fucking answers.” I seethed.
I am fucking livid — and thankfully I’m not the only one.
American Shithole #48 | Feel the (Rug) Bern
For me though, I remember the feeling I had when a true progressive — one completely untethered from the klepto-capitalist clutches of billionaires, boardrooms, and banks (That’s a Lois Lane level of alliteration!) — was running against Hillary Clinton; and winning.
American Shithole #47 | Red Fish, Blue Fish, Fuck Fish, You Fish?
But first, before they throw themselves like chum to sharks, every democrat must apologize.
Right. I can see why they’re all lining up to get it out of the way early. The hypocrisy of singling out moments of stupidity every well-meaning democrat must now say they are “sorry” for, while this criminally incompetent president sits atop a mountain of bullshit, deceit, cruelty and treachery, is likely hard for them to stomach.
It’s like comparing parking tickets to pedophilia.
Take the gloves off, Democratic Party, and start swinging like you’re fighting for your country’s life — because you are. Stop fucking Gillibrand-ing each other; stay fucking unified.
Remember the Al Franken!
They Didn’t Vote For Trump. They Voted Against Us
Like me in high school, we aren’t learning that that smugness doesn’t win elections it merely makes us feel warm and fuzzy as if our ineffectual resistance will be noted by future historians as somehow significant when figuring out how to persuade those out in the world of real, flesh and bone humans separate from the avatars of the digital world that perhaps we might be able to work together for the better of everyone.
![I Believe... [We Are Poised to Lose 2020]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/579fa3912994ca0eff850271/1510660825701-N6QCRZCDT1GB17GSID51/yorick2.jpg)
I Believe... [We Are Poised to Lose 2020]
...that the Progressive slogan for Election 2020 is now officially "Cutting Off Our Noses to Spite Our Faces."