...that your trauma doesn’t make a good excuse for your poor behavior. No trauma in existence requires you behave like a screaming child yet enduring an adult screaming like a child can be traumatic. Like a Mobius strip of trauma.

I believe... that with the state of society in 2022, a moratorium on high school dramas is in order. I get all the bitchy, judgmental bullying I need in line at the grocery store.

...that all the Toy Story movies are actually about divorce.

...that, admittedly, Independence Day this year feels a bit like throwing a party for friend in a coma from an awful car accident who has no health insurance. “I’m sorry, sir. You can’t shoot that bottle rocket off in here. This is the ICU.”

...that the internet operates on a binary set of numbers, 1’s and 0’s. Humanity operates with far more complexity. As the internet continues to evolve into humanity’s primary means of communication, we can’t help but begin to see the world in binary terms.

...that if, at the end of the January 6 Commission’s hearings, no one significant goes to prison, it was all just a campaign commercial.

...that school shooting drills are exactly the same as ‘duck and cover’ procedures and the air masks on airplanes—placebos to make us feel safe in a world designed by nature to kill us all.

...that utopian solutions and dreams are super until you understand that unless programmed robots control it humans will inevitably fuck it up.

I believe... that there is more decency in holding a door open for a stranger you can see than every tweet ever written for a cause that affects people you’ll never know. The first is an act of service; the second is a linquistic selfie taken and shared for approval.

I believe... that family is who you hang with to remember who you are rather than who you thought you were.

I believe... that a roadtrip by yourself, arm out the window, stereo blasting heavy metal from the ‘80s, is better than all of the meditation available. Even when you the first speeding ticket you’ve had since 1989.

I believe... that realizing you married your unrequited love is a real piece of mindfuckery.

I believe... that it’s incredibly difficult to appreciate a wonderful meal if it ends with a pile of shit on a banquet plate. The final course determines the meal.

...that using social media to sell books is as pointless and unforgiving as selling bibles in a brothel.

...that, if one spends more than a few minutes a day being anxious about money, a serious re-evaluation of what is and is not of value is in order. No one expends their final breath to brag about their credit score.

...that if you’re canceling Russian dressing but not Korean BBQ, Chinese egg rolls, or Middle Eastern Falafel, you’re a dietary dictatorship apologist.

I believe... that Chris Rock was the victim of assault and still held his poise. Will Smith was the much bigger kid hitting the class clown for making fun of his wife like any other garden variety bully. And the room gave him a standing ovation for it like the cheerleaders after the high school quarterback punches out the drama kid.

...that South Park turned out to be the funny Cassandra prophesying our fate.

...that cancelling Russian food, Russian television show, Russian dressing, rushin’ around in traffic is a sign that Americans are a bit too dense to enter any European wars anytime soon.